GROWING PAINS

A few weeks ago, my recent high school graduate, Faith, had a date with a young man whom I shall call "Radar" for reasons that shall become obvious as the story unfolds.

She'd had a crush on this young man for quite some time and was very excited that he had finally asked her out. I well remember the feeling.

In spite of the notion that it is hip and trendy for young men and women to meet at their date destination, Faith's father and I have different ideas. He came to the house to pick her up. Everyone commented, after they left, on how nice he seemed. Well everyone except me; I remained mostly quiet until Steve and I were alone. "He seems nice enough," I said, "but my radar went off like gangbusters. Bells and whistles - the whole kaboodle. I got an uncomfortable vibe from him. I'm not saying I don't like him, just that I am going to keep my eyes and ears open where he is concerned."

Steve nodded acknowledgement of my feelings. We've been together long enough for him to know that I have a keen instinct about people. Discernment. In truth, I have never been wrong when it comes to my sense of a person. It does not often happen that I do not like someone, but when it does happen, it's powerful. I have never abused it and Steve learned, years ago, to trust and pay due attention when this happens. That said, he did ask me to refrain from speaking to Faith just yet. I agreed with him seeing the wisdom in allowing her to learn to to trust her own developing sense of people in the adult world.

On Thursday, she and I were conversing while I was preparing dinner. She'd come in to to say hi after having been out all day with her friends. As the discussion progressed to "Radar", she got a dreamy-eyed look on her face that sent a cold chill up my spine.

"Faith," I started, knowing full well that I was going against the agreement I had made with Steve to stay out of it. "I am not so sure about this guy. I can't put my finger on it, darling, but he set my radar off. Every alarm I have was reacting to him the entire time he was here. Please be careful around him." I tried to be matter-of-fact. What I really wanted to say was... Well, if you are a parent, you already know; if you are not a parent, you will not understand.

"You don't like him, Mom?" She looked honestly distressed at the thought I might not like this young man.

"It's not that I don't like him..." I tried to explain myself without stomping on her teenage heart by telling her the real truth, which was that I felt a sense that he did not maintain a trustworthy character. Besides, I was beginning to become concerned over how I was going to tell Steve I had gone back on my word. As I continued, I tried to make light of it. "More like I feel uncomfortable for some reason. Look, I am not suggesting you don't see him, only that you promise me you will keep your eyes wide open where he is concerned. Will you promise me that?"

She agreed with a smile and a hug as she reassured me he was a great guy and she knew I was saying this because I loved her. She then went on to remind me that I met her father in High School and we had our ups and downs in the beginning. I think it was supposed to be comforting. But I was not comforted; I just knew I was right about this guy. Frankly, her comparing him to her father made me want to scream! But I didn't. I smiled.

When Steve came home, I told him what I had done and, thank God, he said he was glad. The more he'd thought about it, the more he realized he had noticed a thing or two about Radar that he did not like as well. Before the evening had ended, Michael stopped in for a brief visit and he said that he too had processed a weird vibe from his sister's big date. And we let her leave with this guy??

--o0o--

Yesterday, I was unloading groceries from the car when Faith rang my cell. "Mom, I just wanted to tell you that you were right."

I knew immediately that she was not alone and that she was speaking of that young man. "About Radar?" I asked just to confirm, not so much what she was talking about as much as my sense that she was not alone.

"Uh, yeah. You were right... about a lot of things." She was clearly upset but her voice was too calm for me to be concerned that she was in any danger, though I have to admit that the sentence addendum had me perplexed.

Still, I had to ask, "I get the feeling that you are not alone, Faith; do you want your father or your brothers to come to where you are?"

Thankfully, she giggled. "No, Mom. I am fine; just a little stung and kind of embarrassed in front of my friends. I am going to Amelia's for a while to talk it out with her, but I'll call you in a little while to tell you about it. Right now, everyone is here and I don't want to be on the phone with my mom. You understand, right?"

My turn to giggle. "I was young once, m'dear; of course I understand. As long as you are all right."

Later she phoned me to say she wanted to stay at Amelia's overnight. I agreed and told her I would run interference with her father for her. As she explained the issue to me, it seems that all the while Radar and Faith had been dating so publically, including attending their Prom, Radar had been secretly seeing Faith's very close, longtime friend, Rachel. Faith told me that, until now, she has only been crushing on Radar; there had not been enough time for it to have become all that serious. What hurt her terribly was the betrayal by her longtime girlfriend. That was what she meant when she said I had been right about a lot of things. Of all her friends, Rachel has always been my least favorite. You guesed it; from the first time Rachel came to our home, 6 years ago, there was something about her that simply did not sit right with me. I never fully trusted her. While I had, at the time, shared my feelings with Steve, I never told Faith about this until about a year ao. It would not have been productive to unnerve Faith about a friend so early in her school career. Only reason I told her last year was because I witnessed Rachel uncaringly betray another friend for her own personal gain. I was then I let Faith know how I had always felt about Rachel.

My daughter should be ecstatically looking forward to a terrific last summer before college. Instead, she is sticking close to home because she believes she has been humiliated in front of her friends by someone she always trusted would be watching her back. Of course, we who are older and wiser know that before long everyone will now what happened. They will all make their own judgement call and human nature dictates that the humiliation will not fall upon Faith. Having never experienced such a thing, she does not know this yet.

I am angry about it, I confess, but I have decided not to dwell on that. Instead, I shall focus my energies on watching how she handles it. I bet she'll be awesome. How hard it is to stand back and let them deal with life's hurts when what we really want to do is fix it for them so that nothing will ever hurt them...

All for now...
CM

SUMMER! YEAH!

Yesterday was Christina's first day of Summer! No school! Yeah!

My friend, Andrea, and her daughter, Morgan, who attends school with Christina, wisely thought of this terrific idea to make it extra special. What they did was suggest we have a day of outing activities with the two girls and that they each invite a favorite pal from school so that they have a foursome.

Originally, we'd planned to have lunch, go to a local Beading Craft Shop to design and make some fabulous jewelry, and top off the day with a movie. The girls all wanted to see NANCY DREW but it will not be released until the 15th so we'd planned to see SHREK 3. The girls jumped on that like white on rice and each made their buddy selection. Morgan chose Katrina and Christina chose Maggie. Perfect.

Morgan had a Horseback Riding Lesson until noon, so Christina and I picked up Katrina and Maggie and hotfooted it to meet up with Morgan and her mom while the three girls in the back seat could barely contain themselves! How I love this age when seeing each other is an event that calls for screeching and hugging as though they haven't seen one another in ages. (It had not even been 24 hours since they tearfully bid each other a good summer.)

Katrina had another outing planned with her father later in the afternoon and he needed her home by 4:30, so what we did was alter the plans to accommodate that and try to fit everything in. Skipping dessert at lunch and planning a side trip to a local Coldstone Creamery after the movie seemed to adjust the time block perfectly and we were off and running.

Lunch was an absolute blast. The conversation between the four 9 year olds kept Andrea and I thoroughly entertained, the food was positively scrumptious and the location was within walking distance to the theater, but we drove so that when the theater let out, we could high tail it to the beading activity! We'd made a slight error in the movie planning as SHREK 3 was not to be in the theater until the weekend, but we quickly adjusted the plan to see SURF'S UP instead. Thanks goodness for the double entendre! Andrea and I were killing ourselves laughing, as were the children, albeit at different things! Suffice it to say that a wonderful, fun time was definitely had by all. (In short, if you fear being bored when taking your little ones to see this one, dump those worries right now; you'll like it!)

The girls and I (concession... er, I mean, confession time) loaded up on snacks which eliminated the need to visit the Coldstone Creamery.

So the movie was a great success and then it was on to the Beading Place. Can I tell you now how incredibly artistic and talented our girls are! All four of them! They each selected their beads and decided upon the lengths, organized their designs, and had their necklaces and bracelets done lickity split! It was seriously impressive.

Andrea and I shot each other a we survived that, it was actually quite fun look and thought it was finished when we dropped Katrina off to her father at exactly 4:30 as promised. The girls had other ideas. We tried to stifle our giggles as we heard them meekly conspiring in the back seat. Before long, they asked ever so sweetly if they could go to the local playground for a while and we had, after all, been indoors for most of the day, escaping the 90 degree heat, so we went along with them saying it would be fine. Andrea had to beg off as she had to collect her wee one and I took the girls to play for an hour.

A lovely, busy, fun first day of summer!

We've already decided to take them all to see NANCY DREW on the 15th!

I'm ready today for the Graduation...

Starts at 11...

Faith is Valedictorian...

Should be awesome...

All for now.

CM

RANDOM THOUGHTS and TIME PASSAGES...

Been a while since I have written here.

This is actually good news.

The weather in NJ has been sensational. Lots of time outdoors, tending to the gardens, playing soccer or softball... a little B-ball and of course some hide and seek. It's good for the soul - and good for the muse! Our property, just now, is awash with color. All our trees blooming at peak. Magnolias offer the deep burgundies and pinks, Lilacs for lavenders and whites, and Dogwoods for the yellows and ivories I love so much. Ground covered with a rainbow of Pansies, Tulips and Daffodils heralding the soon to bloom Azaleas also in whites, raspberry reds and purples. Our Lilies have begun to make their presence known; the grasses are about nine to ten inches high already and the Hostas that offer white and lavender trumpet blooms have popped through the surface and sprouted almost overnight into puff-balls of giant green leaves! How I love this!

Gardening is a family event at our house. We have several acres, two of which are gardens. I full acre is designated Kitchen Garden and the rest is flora. Our flowers are mostly perennials. Steve and I design and plan the layout for the vegetable gardens every autumn for the following year. We weed through tons of seed catalogs and place our orders in late October for November arrival. We plant in January so they are mature enough to take outside by end of May. Steve and the boys (Michael, Gabriel, James, Danny and this year Liam, too) do the heavy work while the girls and I tend to the weeding and pruning. It's been that way since Michael was a baby. When Gabe arrived, first thing Michael taught him - once he learned to walk - was how to pull a weed. It just naturally evolved into a family activity. Now standing at 6'6" (in bare feet), they both tower over the rest of us, including their dad. He and I will be tilling the soil this weekend and they will be here on the weekend after the 15th to help transplant all the vegetables from the greenhouse. I am hoping, but don't fully trust that the last frost will have hit us by then...

Currently, it's all about the flowers; my little ones are having a wonderful time surprising me with bouquets to place in my vases and set upon my desk. Today, for example, I have an antique glass vase filled with a magnificent array of colorful, fragrant roses that Steve brought me on Friday, two vases with pansies the kids brought me from the gardens, and a crystal vase of white Calla Lilies Steve brought me on Sunday. Callas were my mother's favorite. She passed away in 1996 and for some reason, I was missing her so terribly last week... On Sunday morning when Steve went out to get the papers and Sunday treats, he saw the flowers and brought them home to me. How thoughtful is he? I am one lucky woman and I know it! How could I help but love him so much!

Anyway, I was telling you about my office... My windowsills are adorned with vases of more white Calla Lilies from the kids who liked their dad's idea, and several planters of white daises which happen to be my favorite flower. My office now looks like a Garden of Eden... and smells so delightful it's difficult for me to leave it. Matter of fact, yesterday, I found Steve in here reading his Sports Pages and grinning ear to ear... This morning, Faith was in here studying for an exam she'll be taking later this afternoon - Physics, yeccch! (Better her than me!)

Note to self: Buy lock for Office.

The really wonderful thing about all this gardening business, besides the perk that we spend so much time together as a family, is that it serves us all season long and encourages Michael and Gabe (and their sensational girlfriends) to come home a lot for eats-outta-the-garden. Michael lives in Hoboken in an awesome loft overlooking the Hudson. (Steve and I would like to have it.) In five minutes he's in Manhattan to work. Gabe lives on Long Island where he is attending University, but has plans to move to Manhattan next year.

We planted a tree for each child as they arrived... They shade the gardens now...

Where did the years go?


- - - - - o0o - - - - - o0o - - - - -


Yesterday, I begged off the afternoon game of freeze tag in order to resume my position as responsible adult. While the kids were playing, I finally took the computer out to the deck and wrote for about two hours. Heaven on earth! I so enjoy being the house in the neighborhood where all the kids gather. Selfishly, uh, it makes me feel young to know they all like it here; protectively, it's comforting and calming to know where my kids are, what they are doing - and with whom; conclusively, it's all good! The neighborhood kids all know they can come to Steve or me if there should ever be any trouble. There is no messin' wit us!

Note to self: Forget about the lock.

Michael told us over the weekend that he's been offered a promotion already... Gabe graduates University in a few more days and has secured a wonderful position with Capitol Records who have just merged with ( i.e. taken over) his former employer, Virgin. Faith starts college in August and has, after a year of searching, investigating, and interviewing, chosen a University in Pennsylvania - just outside Philly. Only an hour away! Steve and I are ecstatic that she's decided not to accept the invitation from UCLA! -- Nothing against UCLA, mind you, except that it's, uh, so far away. In spite of our delight over the proximity, for some reason we are both taking this transition really hard.

I was sick when Michael left for college, better when Gabe left, though still dreadfully unhappy for more than just a few days, but with Faith going, I can't explain it; we're both messed up over it. Isn't that odd; I thought it would get easier, but it is clearly the opposite.

Next year we will bid Destiny a college adieu and no matter how difficult it may be, Steve and I are determined that it will be a time for celebration. Four years ago at this time, we thought we were going to lose her to leukemia. But a wonderful stranger came forth with a bone marrow donation that saved her life and there has been no sign of any cancer ever since. Thank God for that wonderful young man.

Until then, we get more primary school and high school fun! Let me count the ways... Liam will be four on August 4th - entering his second year of pre-school in September, Christina will be nine on July 22nd - entering fourth grade in September, Danny will be eleven on August 10th - entering sixth grade in September , Daisy will be twelve on January 8th - she'll be in seventh grade, James will be thirteen on November 6th - he'll be in eighth grade! So there will be carpooling, games, concerts, plays, recitals, homework... projects, and family dinners with ever more and more room appearing around the table... *sigh*

Where do the years go?!

As for Steve and me... we keep on keepin' on. Still diggin' each other - still playin', laughin', dancin', makin' music, and makin' love. My antique silver mirror that he gave me when we made our commitment to one another back in '78 still sits on the dresser... but, if I may steal a line from a movie, "the reflection's changed a bit".

We know how blessed we are, but still I wonder... Where do the years go?



Time goes, you say?
Alas, oh no.
Time stays;
We go...


Wonder if Austin Dobson was feeling as melancholy and random as I do today when he wrote that little verse...

I adore the adults my children are becoming but oh how I miss my babies...

CM