A few weeks ago, my recent high school graduate, Faith, had a date with a young man whom I shall call "Radar" for reasons that shall become obvious as the story unfolds.
She'd had a crush on this young man for quite some time and was very excited that he had finally asked her out.
I well remember the feeling. In spite of the notion that it is hip and trendy for young men and women to meet at their date destination, Faith's father and I have different ideas. He came to the house to pick her up. Everyone commented, after they left, on how nice he seemed. Well everyone except me; I remained mostly quiet until Steve and I were alone. "He seems nice enough," I said, "but my radar went off like gangbusters. Bells and whistles - the whole kaboodle. I got an uncomfortable vibe from him. I'm not saying I don't like him, just that I am going to keep my eyes and ears open where he is concerned."
Steve nodded acknowledgement of my feelings. We've been together long enough for him to know that I have a keen instinct about people. Discernment. In truth, I have never been wrong when it comes to my sense of a person. It does not often happen that I do not like someone, but when it does happen, it's powerful. I have never abused it and Steve learned, years ago, to trust and pay due attention when this happens. That said, he did ask me to refrain from speaking to Faith just yet. I agreed with him seeing the wisdom in allowing her to learn to to trust her own developing sense of people in the adult world.
On Thursday, she and I were conversing while I was preparing dinner. She'd come in to to say hi after having been out all day with her friends. As the discussion progressed to "Radar", she got a dreamy-eyed look on her face that sent a cold chill up my spine.
"Faith," I started, knowing full well that I was going against the agreement I had made with Steve to stay out of it. "I am not so sure about this guy. I can't put my finger on it, darling, but he set my radar off. Every alarm I have was reacting to him the entire time he was here. Please be careful around him." I tried to be matter-of-fact.
What I really wanted to say was... Well, if you are a parent, you already know; if you are not a parent, you will not understand."You don't like him, Mom?" She looked honestly distressed at the thought I might not like this young man.
"It's not that I don't
like him..." I tried to explain myself without stomping on her teenage heart by telling her the real truth, which was that I felt a sense that he did not maintain a trustworthy character.
Besides, I was beginning to become concerned over how I was going to tell Steve I had gone back on my word. As I continued, I tried to make light of it. "More like I feel uncomfortable for some reason. Look, I am not suggesting you don't see him, only that you promise me you will keep your eyes wide open where he is concerned. Will you promise me that?"
She agreed with a smile and a hug as she reassured me he was a great guy and she knew I was saying this because I loved her. She then went on to remind me that I met her father in High School and we had our ups and downs in the beginning. I think it was supposed to be comforting.
But I was not comforted; I just knew I was right about this guy. Frankly, her comparing him to her father made me want to scream! But I didn't. I smiled.When Steve came home, I told him what I had done and, thank God, he said he was glad. The more he'd thought about it, the more he realized he had noticed a thing or two about Radar that he did not like as well. Before the evening had ended, Michael stopped in for a brief visit and he said that he too had processed a weird vibe from his sister's big date.
And we let her leave with this guy??--o0o--Yesterday, I was unloading groceries from the car when Faith rang my cell. "Mom, I just wanted to tell you that you were right."
I knew immediately that she was not alone and that she was speaking of that young man. "About Radar?" I asked just to confirm, not so much what she was talking about as much as my sense that she was not alone.
"Uh, yeah. You were right... about a lot of things." She was clearly upset but her voice was too calm for me to be concerned that she was in any danger, though I have to admit that the sentence addendum had me perplexed.
Still, I had to ask, "I get the feeling that you are not alone, Faith; do you want your father or your brothers to come to where you are?"
Thankfully, she giggled. "No, Mom. I am fine; just a little stung and kind of embarrassed in front of my friends. I am going to Amelia's for a while to talk it out with her, but I'll call you in a little while to tell you about it. Right now, everyone is here and I don't want to be on the phone with my mom. You understand, right?"
My turn to giggle. "I was young once, m'dear; of course I understand. As long as you are all right."
Later she phoned me to say she wanted to stay at Amelia's overnight. I agreed and told her I would run interference with her father for her. As she explained the issue to me, it seems that all the while Radar and Faith had been dating so publically, including attending their Prom, Radar had been secretly seeing Faith's very close, longtime friend, Rachel. Faith told me that, until now, she has only been crushing on Radar; there had not been enough time for it to have become all that serious. What hurt her terribly was the betrayal by her longtime girlfriend. That was what she meant when she said I had been right about a lot of things. Of all her friends, Rachel has always been my least favorite. You guesed it; from the first time Rachel came to our home, 6 years ago, there was something about her that simply did not sit right with me. I never fully trusted her.
While I had, at the time, shared my feelings with Steve, I never told Faith about this until about a year ao. It would not have been productive to unnerve Faith about a friend so early in her school career. Only reason I told her last year was because I witnessed Rachel uncaringly betray another friend for her own personal gain. I was then I let Faith know how I had always felt about Rachel. My daughter should be ecstatically looking forward to a terrific last summer before college. Instead, she is sticking close to home because she believes she has been humiliated in front of her friends by someone she always trusted would be watching her back.
Of course, we who are older and wiser know that before long everyone will now what happened. They will all make their own judgement call and human nature dictates that the humiliation will not fall upon Faith. Having never experienced such a thing, she does not know this yet.I am angry about it, I confess, but I have decided not to dwell on that. Instead, I shall focus my energies on watching how she handles it. I bet she'll be awesome.
How hard it is to stand back and let them deal with life's hurts when what we really want to do is fix it for them so that nothing will ever hurt them...All for now...
CM
